I'm Fighting A Losing Battle

Night-time

Y: ‘Vijay, please give me my shorts – I was going to wear those to sleep’
V: ‘These are MY shorts, you know’
Y: ‘Don’t argue – you know none of my shorts fit me anymore – gimme!’
V: (ignoring me,in sing-song voice to Peanut) ‘Bitiyaaa… Mama is talking to you – she wants to wear your diaper…give it to her’
Y: ‘ Listen, please don’t be silly….just give me my diaper now, okay?…DAMMIT’

Household chores

Y: ‘Vijay, why have you got the electrician to put lights that are not matching in the drawing room?’
V: ‘Arrey! I wanted it to be in line with our theme’
Y: ‘Oh? And what is our theme?’
V: ‘Lights…that… do not match’

Just Lounging around

Y: ‘Vijay, what is the origin of the word Beishak…Be-ishak? Without ishak?’
V: ‘No…the word is Be-shak…as in, without a doubt’
Y:‘Are you sure? I always thought it was Be-ishak’
V: ‘No…Be-shak.. ‘Be’ means ‘without’…on the other hand, Ba-kaida means ‘According to the kaida, or law…or ‘as a matter of course’…or ‘of course’…and Berozgaar is ‘without a living’…got it?
Y: ‘Got it!’
V: ‘Good. Then don’t ask me if Bekaar is ‘without a car’.

Calling the doctor

Y: ‘Vijay, give me the paediatrician’s details’
V: ‘Here, it’s written here’
Y: ‘Eh? Are you sure that’s his name?’
V: ‘That’s what our doc wrote’
Y: ‘Ok, fine…(dialling)…Hello? May I speak to Dr. Ugli please?’
(Silence)
Doctor’s wife in annoyed tone: ‘I think you mean Dr. Ugre, don’t you?’
Y: ‘ Ummm…sure…that’s what I said…sorry…I’ll call back later!...VIJAY!’

Taking care of baby

Y: ‘Vijay, please cut Peanut’s nails now’
V: ‘No way! We should do it only when she is sleeping’
Y:‘Yaar…listen…I’ve tried that before…and she wakes up, so there’s no point’
V: ‘Then we will try again later’
Y: ‘Arrey, but if she wakes up every time we try, and we are to do it only when she’s sleeping, then when will we ever cut her nails?’
V:‘Never!’
Y:‘ Vijay, please don’t be silly. Just cut them’
V: ‘Yes, Matron!’

Dinner conversation

Y: ‘Did you notice the entire place is sparkling clean and all the books are sorted?’
V: ‘Yes, I did…you’ve changed so much, honey’ (Y beams proudly as the K comes in)
K (mournfully) Raita to kharaab ho gaya, microwave mein…
V ( in total disbelief): Microwave mein? Raita kaun garam karta hai microwave mein?
Y (shamefacedly interrupts) Actually, I asked her to do it
V: WHY?
Y: Because it was frozen.
(Pause)
V: And why did you freeze the raita?
Y: It was room temperature…I like raita cold…so I thought I would put it in for two minutes and then forgot…
(Silence)
Y: So I guess I haven’t changed that much, huh?

Pleading for internet

Y: I need internet…I want internet…
V: Hmmm….ho jayega, honey.
Y: Tumhe nahin pata…mujhe bahut jod se blog karna hai
V: Logon ko ‘Bahut Jod Se’ susu karna hota hai…par tumhe blog karna hai ‘bahut jod se’…sahi jaa rahe ho…